twirling towards freedom

loss

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 22:22:41 -0500

They say that there are 5 stages of grief..

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

People feel loss in so many different ways..

You lose a loved one, your heart gets broken, or you lose yourself..and it feels like your entire world has been turned upside down. The simple task of waking up and eating breakfast feels like the hardest thing you have ever had to do. There is this unexplained emptiness in your every day life. You feel like you will ALWAYS have this piece of you is missing. Something that you will never get back. At first you are in denial. You tell yourself that no, this can’t be true. Everything was perfect just yesterday. You were just with them. Everything was fine. How can they just be…gone?

And then the anger sets in. You find yourself lashing out at everyone and everything around you. You scream and kick and fight. Hoping that if the world can see just how anger you are, that MAYBE it will bring things back to the way they were before..but it won’t. Nothing can.

And then you find yourself bargaining. You say that you would give absolutely anything to have them back. You would even trade your own life just to see them for one more day. What if you promise to be a better person? Can they come back?

And then..the worst of them all. Depression. You begin to feel the sadness all the way through your entire body…so you cry, and cry..until you have nothing left.

I guess at this point you really only have one step left..”acceptance”

But can you ever REALLY accept what has happened to you? You know that your life will never be the same. How are you just supposed to accept it and move on? I truly believe that every single person that is in our lives are there for a reason. They are they for a certain period of time..and then they leave. So no. I don’t think that you can ever really truly accept what has happened to you. But what you can do is accept that THIS is the way your life is now. There is a reason why you were meant to go through what you did. And now you have to accept it. Accept that yes your life will NEVER be the same. YOU will never be the same. But everything does happen for a reason…and even if you never figure out what your reason was…this is meant to be.

So to everyone who has ever lost a loved one, lost their heart to someone..or maybe even lost themselves..it will be okay. This is the way life is supposed to be.

A ever changing roller coaster of heart break, tears…and if your your lucky.. incredible happiness.

Photo

Mon, 30 May 2011 21:47:44 -0400

build days!

Mon, 30 May 2011 21:45:14 -0400

ola!

The past few days have been amazing and at the same time, challenging. Our first build day started out with a 6:00am wake up call, followed by breakfast then we would travel to the job site. We were shown around the house, met the amazing family we were building for and jumped right into work. It was a bit difficult to adjust to the heat, but we took a few breaks and tried to stay out of the sun. The first few days of building consisted of swifting sand, moving piles of dirt, rocks and gravel, cementing the walls, painting, laying the dirt and rocks on the floor and pressing them. We took an hour lunch break, and spent time getting to know the family and the kids! The land is owned by one family, and each member has a small house. The area we were building in was one of the poorest parts of el salvador. Looking around you can see the most families have almost nothing, but they are some of the most amazing people I have met. There were so gracious and grateful to us for being there. Every day we were at the site, the woman were washing clothes, cooking food or cleaning. The masons working on the house with us worked harder then anyone I have ever met. It was amazing to witness this community pull together. It inspired me to push myself to work harder. I think it did for all of us. Around 3:30 we would begin to clean up and get ready to leave for the day, full of dirt and mud but with a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.

Photo

Mon, 30 May 2011 19:46:41 -0400

El Salvador- Day One - May 15th

Mon, 30 May 2011 19:43:07 -0400

Alright, so here it is! my trip to el salvador from day one..

we have arrived!

its almost 8:00am here in sonsonate, el salvador. In a few minutes the girls in my cabin and I are heading down to the restaurant for our first el Salvadorian breakfast. I am so excited to be here! I flew into the el salvador airport around noon yesterday, and met with my group members. We then traveled by bus about two hours down the coast and up quite a few mountains. Our destination “sonsonate”. I was so anxious to meet my group. It took us about three minutes after meeting and we were no longer strangers. Everyone was tired from their travels, but so excited for the weeks to come !

Breakfast was delicious! We are dining in this gorgeous open air dining room. The meal consisted of pancakes and the freshest fruit. delish. After breakfast we headed down to the pool and relaxed and got to know each other a bit better. There are twelve of us all together, ranging from students to adults. A great dynamic. After a hour or so by the pool we piled into the van and traveled down to the town of Caluco. This is where the house we will be working on is and also has the restaurant that will be bringing our lunch to the job site every day. We enjoyed lunched and met with a few other of the Habitat workers! After lunch we spent the rest of the afternoon by a public pool, just relaxing.

Tomorrow is our first build day! I am so excited, and nervous at the same time. I’ve only been here a day, and already home seems so far away.

sleep time.

we did it !

Sun, 29 May 2011 20:29:27 -0400

we did it !

HOME!

Sun, 29 May 2011 20:28:24 -0400

alas, after two UNFORGETTABLE weeks in sonsonate, el salvador..i have come home! I have SO much to write about my experience with habitat, but due to my lack of internet connection up in the mountains, I had to resort to old school ways, and write everything down in a book. I will do my best to upload my stories as fast as I can. I also took about 500 pictures…so i’ll try to narrow them down to a few..less hundred. As for tonight, even though my stomach has be rejecting food for about 24hrs, i’m off to meet my two ladies for a quick drink!

adiós

airport!

Sat, 14 May 2011 05:22:56 -0400

currently waiting at my gate in toronto to board the plane to miami then to san salvador.! Feeling many mixed emotions, mostly excitement. Hate goodbyes though. But this croissant I just purchased is comfort enough. bon voyage!

another adventure is about to begin!

Fri, 13 May 2011 15:21:00 -0400

the time is almost here! tomorrow at 6:10 am I will be flying out of toronto to san salvador, el salvador ! I am unbelievably excited. Having this opportunity to travel abroad and work with habitat for humanity is amazing. I hope my phone will work good there so I can keep you all updated. In the mean time ill be here in toronto trying to calm my nerves!
xxo

quick note

Thu, 05 May 2011 21:29:54 -0400

holla.

Went to another event tonight! This time it was the Lord Mayors Reception in NOTL. Such a great opportunity to promote and pour Niagara College’s “first draft” beer and to mingle with some pretty neat mayors. Had a awesome conversation with the Mayor from Brant, enjoyed a Gewürztraminer Riesling from Pondview Winery and feasted on some tasty foods from Bistro Six One.

I could write more, but my attention is being required elsewhere

more later xo

i'm back!

Wed, 04 May 2011 12:51:08 -0400

okay, so I apparently deleted the post I wrote last night, so my apologies to those who might have to read this twice..

here is a quick recap of what I have been up too. I moved home from Italy in September. It was a big adjustment for me, full of many ups and downs. I felt a bit lost for awhile, but as always I pulled myself together and pushed through it all.

currently I am living at home, and working at Niagara College Teaching Winery. (http://www.nctwinery.ca/) and I could not be happier. I work in the retail store, serving wines, doing tastings and training to do wine tours. I feel like a sponge right now, soaking up all the information I can and learning so much. Of course I will always love to cook, but something about this industry has opened my eyes and my heart is set on learning as much as I can and moving forward. The beauty of it is that I will always be learning something and that I am in love with that idea.

last night I had the pleasure of having a preview of the wines being showcased during this months “herb and wine” (http://www.wineriesofniagaraonthelake.com/wineandherb.html) and the herb pairing they going with. I tasted some amazing foods and wines. From Ravine Vineyard Estates “chardonnay musque” to Konzelmann Estates “2009 Merlot Reserve” the pairing was unbelievable! Niagara College will be showcasing their “2008 Pinot Noir”..as for our food pairing I will leave that up to you to come out during the weekends of May and find out for yourself! You won’t be disappointed.

other then work, my life is going quite well!

on saturday may 14th I will be flying out to El Salvador with a group of people from Habitat for Humanity! We will be working on building a house in San Salvador. I am SO excited for this trip. I went last February to New Orleans with a group of students from Humber College..and it was hands down the best week of my life. I cant wait to be able to take part in another trip again. I will keep track of our adventures there! (http://www.habitat.ca/homec206.php)

that’s all for now, stay tuned for some crazy developments that are brewing in my overly excited mind these days

<3 these girls !

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 13:01:29 -0400

<3 these girls !

crazy week..

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:59:23 -0400

“say your sorry, that face of an angel…” Trust. Its a funny thing. Its a hard thing to earn, and such an easy thing to lose. And in just one day, your entire world can be turned upside down by it. This week was a rough one for me, hard times at work and outside of it. But I have come to learn that these kind of days happen, and its okay to sit and have a cry about it for a bit, but you at some point you have to stand up, brush yourself off and keep on going. I learned a very valuable lesson this week, and with the that I have this to say… It does not matter what happens in life, it doesn’t matter how hard I fall, how broken I might feel or how scared, I will never give up. I will keep on fighting, because life is worth it. There are always going to be people around you, talking about you, judging you and trying to bring you down. When this happens you must hold your head high, because the only person who should care about what you do is yourself. You are your biggest fan. Never let anyone make you feel bad about yourself, and never let anyone tell you how you feel is wrong. If you can remember to always believe in yourself, then everything will be okay, you will get through those hard days and you will move on. You will conquer. “try and catch me now..”

I have a few things on my mind

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 13:08:22 -0400

have you ever found yourself having a thousand questions running through your mind? And nothing around you seems to be making sense? I guess my head is feeling a little like that lately. This kind of bothers me because I like to have the answer to everything, and not in some freaky OCD way, but I seek comfort in the knowing and understanding of things. And when something happens that for the life of me I can’t understand why, or accept, it really throws me off. This weekend back home my family travelled up North for a memorial for our family friend Cathy. My heart went out to them, and I wish so badly I could have been with them. To me, Cathy was taken from us to early, much like our two loved ones before her. Even as a young child I didn’t understand, people are always being taken away from their loved ones too early, and it just doesn’t seem fair to me. I question it, break it down and try to understand why these things happen. Just the other day a very good friend of mine told me his best friend died, at 20 ! When I was in elementary school, a beautiful young girl was also taken too soon, from Meningitis. Every single day on the news something horrible is happening, soldiers are dying, families are being ripped apart from earth quakes and hurricanes, all the while we are here worrying about when the next party will be, or whether the cute bartender will notice us. OK, maybe I am getting a little carried away, because it is okay to worry about those things, were all just humans.. but I just feel to helpless right now. When someone I love is hurting it is my first instinct to help them in any way I can.

So here I am, I am twenty one years old, living in Italy and worrying about so many things I can’t control that I am going to give myself grey hair. (I can just hear my mom’s voice right now telling me to stop, she is such a smart lady, knows me all too well) I guess this is just the way I am, everyday I wake up and want to better myself, to work a bit harder, learn a little something new and when I lay back down at night, feel satisfied that I lived that day to its best. And let me tell you, that’s a bit of pressure to give just one little day. But I live by the thought that if everyone is the world took each day and tried even in the smallest way to help someone out, or to change something then this crazy world we live in would be turned around. Whether its something as simple as smiling at the person walking past you, or donating a few dollars to a good charity, every single thing you can do will make a difference in somebody’s life.

Okay, that rant was much needed, it always helps me to clear my head when I write things down, and without hope or agenda maybe my words will one day help someone else.

that is all for now, love to all my family and friends

new friends, and crazy nights <3

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 11:49:05 -0400

new friends, and crazy nights <3

salo ! one of my favourite places to go.

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 11:03:11 -0400

salo ! one of my favourite places to go.

a good week.

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 10:54:03 -0400

It has been another good/crazy week here ! Here is my update…

Monday night was a good night. Started out like most days, woke up around 5:00am for my breakfast shift,it went well, I finished early so I enjoyed my afternoon in Salo. I bought a new book to read (wuthering heights), walked around, bought some groceries and came back to the hotel. Recently I have met some of the new stages here (stages is kind of like interns here), there two really sweet girls in particular I met, and tonight we decided to have a girls night. There from Austria but speak really good English. The night started out like any girls night, we ate popcorn and gossiped about the crazy things that have happened. It was really nice talking with them, its been a long time since I’ve had a girls night ! Somehow our topics changed from mindless chatter to some pretty interesting topics. It started when they told me about a trip they made to Berlin a few months back, they went there to visit where the wall that separated the east side and west side had once been and were explaining how emotional it was to see that. I then told them about my trip to New Orleans, and back in high school when I visited all the battlefields in Europe. We talked about how real it felt to be somewhere where something so tragic happened, where people gave their lives for others, where people fought for the freedom we have today. We then talked about 9/11. I told them I remembered the day it happened, where I was when I found out and how I felt. This was back when I was in grade 7, and they were only in grade school. (they are both 17) Even though they were so young they were still so affected by those events. This really touched me to hear the compassion they felt for everyone who lost their lives that day. Our conversation after that was one that I will never forget. Sitting in my room here in Italy, we talked about life, and troubles people face everyday, and what we can do to help them. It was so inspiring to me. There are so many good people in this world, it really helps you to put things in perspective. Life is always going to be rough at times, but we are all so lucky to have it. We have opportunities to live freely in other countries, to work around the world, and meet new people. I think sometimes I take things for granted, but from now on I want to leave that in the past. I want to look forward in life and give back to all those people who have done something for me, or for someone else. At 21 I have had the chance to raise money for aids research, to travel to New Orleans and build a house for a family that lost everything, and to visit the battlefields in Europe where so many Canadian soldiers gave up their lives for us, where so many people from around the world fought for what they believed in. I have so much life ahead of me, and I will never take another day for granted.

The rest of the week went very well. On Wednesday and Thursday the guys from the kitchen and I drove up Mount Michili to the basketball courts! Oh, it was heaven on earth. We had a crazy fun game of basketball and it felt so nice to play again. Surrounded by the hot sun and beautiful mountains, it was the best. After the game we went back down to the lake and swam to cool off, followed by cold beers. Very good days indeed. I was off work on Friday and spent it in the sun, and just cruising around. The weekend went as they usually do here, we all went out Friday and Saturday night, a few drinks and some good laughs. Work went good as well, I was on Room Service so it was a nice change from breakfast. Overall, I have nothing but good things to say about this past week. Each day here I am learning something new, whether it be about work, or about myself. A lot of things are changing, and I am truly falling in love with this place.

Even though I am having the time of my life, I miss you all back home very much and you are never far from my thoughts.

love to all <3

for all that know me well, this will make you laugh

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 13:05:04 -0400

Today has been a funny day. Woke up at 5:00am, got ready for work and was in the kitchen for 5:30am. Breakfast went really well, the hotel was pretty full today so it was a busy day. After work two of my friends from the kitchen and I went for a drive. It was a rainy day but still beautiful. We drove up to the very top of one of the mountains, and that is when I saw it, the most beautiful site in the world…a full basketball court !! I got very excited and started jumping in my seat, my friends didn’t know what I was saying cause I was speaking really fast, but I have been looking EVERYwhere for a court to play on. Of course when I do find one it has to be on the very top of a mountain, but its okay. I’ll find a way to work around that small detail. We (and when I say we, I mean I ) celebrated with a beer. We bought a few and sat at this really nice look out point, you could pretty much see the whole of Lake Garde and the towns that surround it. Now normally I don’t much enjoy a cold beer (sorry to all you beer lovers out there), but with the combination of the beautiful view and the discovery of the basketball ball court, that beer taste pretty darn good. My day didn’t end there, after the beers we headed back down the mountain and into Salo. As we were walking (now, keep in mind it was wet, and really rainy) I kept slipping, I foolishly was wearing flip flops (“crazy” Canadian they call me). I slipped a few times but I was okay, until I totally wiped out, embarrassing myself, AND breaking my flip flop. So now I’m stuck in the middle of Salo, surrounded by crazy soccer fans, with only one shoe. Graciously my friend Rueban hoisted me up onto his shoulders and carried me to a store. It was a pretty funny site to see, cause Rueban is already really tall, and with me on his shoulders it looked hilarious. We found a clothing store that had some flip flops in the window and thankfully I found a decently priced pair. Problem solved. I wish I could say things like this hardly happen to me, but then I would be lying. Its alright though, I keep life interesting for those around me. From tripping UP stairs to walking shoeless in Italy, things never get cease to bore me. I am going to bed early tonight, I have had enough excitement for one day!

pictures from a crazy night !

Sat, 19 Jun 2010 12:48:08 -0400

pictures from a crazy night !

a brief of my week !

Sat, 19 Jun 2010 12:39:29 -0400

hello to all, another crazy week has gone by here in the beautiful city (or town I think?) of Gardone Riviera. Work this week has been good ! Monday and Tuesday I worked breakfast, both days went well. I am finding myself being able to accomplish my works tasks a lot faster and more efficiently. Each week that goes by slowly I feel an improvement. Tuesday night was spent at the Casino Bar. Its usually a really good party that night because a DJ from the local disco plays and pretty much everyone from the hotel goes there. I had a great time ( I will post some pictures to show you all) The night was really crazy, and it started to pour rain, however it didn’t stop the party, we were dancing to the music in the rain. Wednesday was my free day, and I planning on spending it in the sun, however the entire day it rained. So I just relaxed, watched some movies and caught up on emails. Thursday was another breakfast shit, and yesterday I worked Room Service. I even got to help out on the line for dinner service! Okay, and when I say help, I mean I made one risotto with saffron. (SO good.) But still, it was pretty awesome. I guess you have to work in a kitchen to know the feeling I’m about to describe, but I have to say that I honestly live for nights on the line. It sounds kind of weird but in my past restaurant jobs I really loved those crazy good nights. You spend the day (or afternoon) preparing for the dinner service, 100 people are on the books, at 6:00pm the orders start rolling in, and some nights you find you just have this smooth groove going. Everyone is working together, plates are flying out of the kitchen (symbolically of course), and there is just a good feeling all around. And at the end of the night you feel very satisfied that those 100 people have gone home with the taste of a amazing meal in their mouths. I must be kind of crazy, cause of course I have worked nights where everything goes wrong, chefs are yelling, your crying in the walk in freezer, wondering why the heck you work in a kitchen. But the night ends, and you come in the next day with a fresh face and ready to try again. I guess that’s what I love about cooking, you make mistakes, you fix them, you move on and on. ANYways, back to reality here. Today I worked breakfast, as well as tomorrow, and then next week we will see. I really love breakfast, surprisingly I am a morning person. I love getting up with the waking world, and starting off the day in a kitchen isn’t too bad at all, I work through till around 4:00pm then have my nights to myself. I always go for a nice jog after work, and sit by the water taking in the whole day. After dinner I sometimes go for walks, or explore the towns around me. I really love Salo. I am going there tonight, I will take pictures and post them soon ! That is all for now, thinking of you all back home and missing you ! <3